Sad days

Today was just one of those days. I miss Granddaddy every day, but today, my heart felt heavier. I had a long, hard day--thie kind that when I'd come home from when he an I lived together, he'd take one look at me and say, "Come here, Sugarlump. Give me a hug." And he'd squeeze me tight and tell me how much he loved me--a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck. He'd hold my hand while I told him a little about my day, but mostly I felt better because he cared, loved, listened, and just "sat" with me. He didn't ask a lot of questions, he just let me be, loving on me all the while. I miss him so much.

I can hardly breathe when i think about it sometimes....the fact that he's gone. (I know, I know, "You'll see him again one day in Glory Land; he's happy and better off in heaven; he's not suffering..........) YES. These are true statements, but they don't make my pain any less or my loss any easier. I HEART HURTS. DEEPLY.

I think I miss his touch, winks, and smiles the most. He lit up a room. He was just such a special man. I loved hearing his stories. I'm reading his autobiography---in pieces, b/c that's all I can handle at a time---and it feels like he's talking to me. It is nice. But hard. I regret not having read it while he was alive, but I was afraid to know how he suffered in his lifetime and dreaded reading because I knew my heart would hurt for him--for what he endured.

But as I read, I feel like I'm still getting to know him. A little strange, I know. But it makes me feel close to him, and that is what I long for. If only he could reach through those pages and give me one of his bear hugs or wink at me. Or whisper his sweet smile through the paragraphs. I can hear him saying "You're my Sugarlump" just like he is right beside me. I long to hear them out loud from him.

David looks so much like Granddaddy that it is sometimes painful to look at him. Bittersweet. Pure delight and devastation at the same exact moment.

I'm rambling on. Don't even know if this will be read, nor do I care. I just needed to cry a few tears and miss my sweet, silly, beloved Granddaddy for a few words...

Goodnight, sweet Granddaddy.