Thursday, November 11, 2010

Sad days

Today was just one of those days. I miss Granddaddy every day, but today, my heart felt heavier. I had a long, hard day--thie kind that when I'd come home from when he an I lived together, he'd take one look at me and say, "Come here, Sugarlump. Give me a hug." And he'd squeeze me tight and tell me how much he loved me--a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck. He'd hold my hand while I told him a little about my day, but mostly I felt better because he cared, loved, listened, and just "sat" with me. He didn't ask a lot of questions, he just let me be, loving on me all the while. I miss him so much.

I can hardly breathe when i think about it sometimes....the fact that he's gone. (I know, I know, "You'll see him again one day in Glory Land; he's happy and better off in heaven; he's not suffering..........) YES. These are true statements, but they don't make my pain any less or my loss any easier. I HEART HURTS. DEEPLY.

I think I miss his touch, winks, and smiles the most. He lit up a room. He was just such a special man. I loved hearing his stories. I'm reading his autobiography---in pieces, b/c that's all I can handle at a time---and it feels like he's talking to me. It is nice. But hard. I regret not having read it while he was alive, but I was afraid to know how he suffered in his lifetime and dreaded reading because I knew my heart would hurt for him--for what he endured.

But as I read, I feel like I'm still getting to know him. A little strange, I know. But it makes me feel close to him, and that is what I long for. If only he could reach through those pages and give me one of his bear hugs or wink at me. Or whisper his sweet smile through the paragraphs. I can hear him saying "You're my Sugarlump" just like he is right beside me. I long to hear them out loud from him.

David looks so much like Granddaddy that it is sometimes painful to look at him. Bittersweet. Pure delight and devastation at the same exact moment.

I'm rambling on. Don't even know if this will be read, nor do I care. I just needed to cry a few tears and miss my sweet, silly, beloved Granddaddy for a few words...

Goodnight, sweet Granddaddy.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The World Will Never Be The Same Again


Grandaddy passed away one week ago today. It is still sinking in that I will never get to hold his hand again or hug him, feeling his tight squeeze that was so reassuring. My heart feels so bare.

This is what I shared at the funeral:

“My Granddaddy”
By Felicia Miller

To be honest, I feel that there truly aren’t words that can adequately express what an incredible man granddaddy was, but here is my humble attempt to express my deep love for this honorable man.

I have countless memories of my childhood that include spending time with him…whether in the house learning about how something worked (he loved teaching), in the back yard playing with ducklings, or fishing at the pond, they all conjure up a smile as I reflect on our times together so fondly.

But many of my favorite memories are from the time I was privileged to live with him for about 3.5 years as a young adult. We had such fun together. Well, everything was fun with Granddaddy! Between giggles and winks, we’d wash dishes, share meals, watch animal planet on TV, and do “normal” things together, but there was nothing normal about spending time with Granddaddy, because he always made you feel so special, loved, and important, no matter what we were doing. I especially enjoyed singing old hymns with him, like Amazing Grace.

And he was precious as he talked with my husband Bill when we were dating, telling him to take good care of me, his “Sugarlump.” Bill still calls me Sugarlump to this day, which is so special to me. I call him Sugarlump, too. :-)

Living together, I always looked forward to Saturday mornings because we’d sleep in (well, I slept in :-)) and we’d have pancakes together. He’d tell me how much he loved cows and considered them his pets. He loved stroking them and talking to them as a child. I’m not sure why pancakes or waffles always reminded of him of his fondness of cows, but I didn’t mind. I kind of looked forward to hearing the same stories each weekend. It was comforting to me that it made him feel good to share the memories.

Granddaddy and I especially liked holding hands. Growing up, I’d see him grab grandma’s hand and hold it very often, and I think touch was comforting to him. Even near the end, we’d hold hands and I’d rub is head as we talked, which seemed to relax him almost instantly. I treasure those moments so much.

In the last years, when the Alzheimer’s had progressed, I took comfort in those moments when you could still see his outstanding character. He may have lost his memory, but he never forgot how much he loved the Lord or quit having deep compassion for others. And He prayed the most beautiful prayers. I wish I had one recorded.

When we told him our baby was going to be named “David,” he’d first say, “Wow, wee!” with a big grin and his eyebrows raised, followed by a comment about how he hoped he could live up to such an honor. He was humble, yet so deserving. I feel so grateful that he got to meet and hold his great-grandson David, who is now 7 weeks old, and to know and love my dear husband Bill, who reminds me of Granddaddy in so many ways.

I hope this has articulated in some way the deep, heartfelt love and memories I’ll always have for this incredible, Godly man. I know he is rejoicing in Heaven with Jesus and those who have gone before him.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

William David Miller


I just LOVE feeling baby David move around in my tummy. And it is such fun watching my belly grow. Delight!

Here is the sweetest profile pic from March 1, when we found out he was a boy!

I still fee like the whole experience is surreal. Am I really pregnant? Is this really happening? Is God really giving us a baby? What if something happens? Please don't take away this blessing, dear Father.